A Relationship I care about is dying

09 Sept 2026·9 min read

a relationship I care about is dying, and it is my fault. btw this is totally platonic.

Thats it, end of post… is what i would have written if this wasn’t all that serious.

i don’t know it is the looming threat of becoming 23 that is sparking so many things within my being or if some metamorphosis is incoming and all of this is just me having to grapple with the issues i have an the problems I have in order to remove the impurities and refine myself into a better being.

aside

QTE means quick time event

i claim myself a self-aware man, and credit where it’s due i am relatively self-aware i can sometimes almost physically feel myself pick the wrong QTE or dialogue option. That said i would be kidding myself if i thought i was completely self-aware and know what all of my short comings, i can certainly say for sure that i am aware of some of my short comings.

I have seem to come to the realisation that i tend to do this, writing, when i am stressed or just at ungodly hours of the night, it being 3am as i write this.

now back on topic, a relationship i have come to care about is dying.

How did we get here????? the tl;dr that is just tl

life is a complex combination of cause and effect, every action has an equal and opposite reaction (wouldn’t that be nice if it worked that way in real life).

when thinking back i suppose in part is some self-loathing and me feeling underserved of her…

hold up maybe we should go back a lil bit more.

so we met in high school and she was my junior, we both interacted a bit with each other as one does when they have similar interests and happened to be in the same club.

flash-forward to a few years later and we’re working at the same place, we’re the youngest two and so we end up actually getting closer, she is a certified yapper, fluent in yappanese even, now i mean this in an endearing way i do love her after-all she’s a good friend, and she also seems to have had quite the unfortunate experience existing.

By virtue of being a lady she has the suite of issues thats exclusive to ladies then there’s also the bs that she’s faced from shitty people and previous friends of her’s, she would tell me some of these and well some more messed up than others and i suppose part of me was insecure that i might end up becoming a character in her story for some future friend, at the rate we’re going i suspect i will, and that combined with my anxiety makes for a very unhealthy feeling of me thinking that she would judge me, be it about things i do and wouldn’t confess to any soul or the general going ons in my life, my past and history (not that it’s anything bad, just something that i can’t explain but i feel insecure about).

I do not enjoy talking about myself(i know hard to believe when i am doing exactly that right now, but that is the point of this to scream out into the void of my feelings), so when she hinted to that she’s the only one who ever shares things about their life between the two of us it stings a lil, one because it is true and two because i lead a boring life, and the only memorable thing i would have to share would be rants about things my family does that pissed me off at some point or the unspeakable that i hinted at earlier.

aside

yes i can see how stupid it is in hindsight, now i am only marginally better.

so what did i do i ended up isolating and pushing her away slowly, (i know i know it was a big brain move), the thought process kinda dumb but was along the lines of if she doesn’t tell me about her life and going ons then she wouldn’t have to worry about me not telling her anything and problem solved right? yea so the answer was no.

so where did things start going wrong???

that was just some context i felt was needed to have this post.

so after we became closer during work, we did the classic thing talking perpetually during the days across many apps, instagram, tiktok, whatsapp.

so what changed, or more importantly what trigged my change. so we’d send each other tiktoks and when it started out i’d respond to every single one, react and respond as soon as i could, then she started sending tiktoks that hint something to the effect of “i hate it when i send my friends tiktoks and they dont respond to it”, now i me who is already kinda feeling bad about the whole lack of sharing my life situation now just feel slighted and well i dropped my interaction levels, and to make things worse she would ignore stuff i send too and to me its like what are you doing saying i don’t respond/react to what you send my way while doing the same thing.

anyways that was one thing that comes to mind, another would be reading stuff each other recommends. for example she asked me to read (these are stuff that comes to mind) one piece, blue lock, hell’s paradise, the love hypothesis and haikyuu some others i cant remember right now, of the one’s i’ve listed besides haikyuu which i didnt read cuz i don’t have much love for sports (blue lock is more power fantasy than sport if we’re being honest) i read the rest and actually gave her updates while i did or after.

then i asked her to read konosuba cuz i actually enjoyed it and wanted to talk to her about it then there also wild strawberry too, both of which she didn’t now granted konosuba is a 17 volume light novel so i can understand why, but wild strawberry is an average sized manga and she said no, i assumed she was just being playful at the time but no my knowledge she never read it, and that left me feeling a lil bit less enthusiastic about the whole friendship i guess.

i am aware that some of what i mentioned is kinda odd and may not be all the important, but to me who overall has his own issues which i had, (kinda still haven’t worked out) it wasn’t all that good for me, just had me retreating inwards.

enough about her wrongs, now my wrongs

so let’s see, i am biased here cuz ofc i am the one writing it so it would be very self referential so take this with a grain of salt.

besides what i mentioned about my lack sharing about myself this would be things that come to mind in regards to my wronging her.

one prominent one that comes to mind is a coop game we were supposed to play, her account of what happened is that i had promised to play it with her and then i played it with a mutual friend of ours, after asking her about it she wouldn’t tell me what game it was granted i don’t have that many friends so i knew who it was she was referring to the game tho it escaped my mind.

I suppose in part that is one thing that had her upset, i actually spoke to her last year to ask for an apology last year after a brief therapy stint where i wanted to actually become a better friend (spoilers i regressed, yes i know i am trying to work on that now), and she basically said there is nothing.

That said one thing that i did do recently, or well didn’t do is the better word, is to not respond to her, if you are reading this point you know know why i had become less enthusiastic about the friendship, i had not replied her message since july, i would assume it is something that would have made her upset and i couldn’t really blame her to add salt to the wound i let our streak on tiktok die, (yes we’re adults it’s not that deep, but it is something she seemed to have cared about and i guess it’s more about what the streak says about the effort being put into the relationship than the streak itself).

Those are the two things that i would say is i can with certainty that she would hold against me, there could be more and i wouldn’t know.

yes it is my fault

now you might have read my post and think that my issues with her are relatively caseless and i would agree with you. where as the issues i suspect she has with me is even more somewhat worse. that said it doesn’t change how the feelings go and even small things can do much damage.

so ofc there’s positives to this relationship, we had each other’s location and she would send me pics of her all the time of her cosplay and just general outfits she’s trying sometimes, that just showed how much trust she had in me and well i didn’t reciprocate that, it is a poor excuse but my trust issue and other issues more or less are to blame.

i am an adult tho and so at some point i have to fix my shit and get things together.

so how do i the relationship is ending

well i saw a post about how relationships sometimes just end with all the fanfare of a broken part popper, that is what i can see happening here and that was what made me even write this, so yes back to the top, that is why i feel some element of self-loathing as well as that i don’t deserver a friend like her, cuz i do not. at least me as it stands.

this relationship we have is dying… i doubt do much to i can fix it…. it is in my fault……. that is fine….. better even for her, best she moves on a better a better friend than me….. good bye bro, ill miss ya.