Fear & Hunger.... Anxiety, I meant anxiety.

01 Sept 2026·5 min read

ahhh so what are we doing today, fear that’s right fear.

why fear? Fantastic question, you ask oh so curious reader. Well, i for one have come to the realization that fear is something that is a major player in my life, much to my chagrin.

as they say to know your enemy is to know yourself.

ordinarily fear is a wonderful emotion, it’s keeps us alive.

fear of heights, prevents lethal falls
gag reflex, prevents us choking, ingesting what could be poisonous substances

just about all living creatures have some innate level of fear, i guess the drive to stay alive and safe.

fear. what is it?

An unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger. ¹

fear on the surface is a wonderful emotion to have, i don’t mean that is wonderful to experience but only that we are better off with fear than without. my issue lies in when it digivolves² into it’s more power and much more concerning form anxiety.

now this is where we go back to what i hinted at being a major player in my life, so i would say my life has been relatively good. Well as good as it gets when you’re born a refugee and have spent the entirety of your life and counting as one now pair that with African parents and you get a recipe for a messed up teenage-hood and a seemingly messy young adulthood. That however, is a story for another post.

back on track, actually one more definition - anxiety

Back to the anxiety thing, so let’s see where do we start this one…. I was stumped for a while on where to go with this, it sounded so much better in my head and everything just evaporated now that I am actually sitting to type it out, i suppose good ol fear is kicking in again.

anxiety is defined by merriam webster as apprehensive uneasiness or nervousness usually over an impending or anticipated misfortune.

i suspect therapists would have defined that differently, but that is beyond the point.

I would say i tend to let my fears rule my life, for a big part of my life failure has been met with punishment hell that would have been fine if it was just that cuz i distinctly recall being punished for not getting 100% on tests or not coming first place in school as well.

Istg some african teachers would punish kids for the dumbest shit. late? get your ass beat hair not cut bald? get your ass beat didn’t get 100% on the french test? get your ass beat for however much you would have needed to reach 100%

then there’s parents, i don’t quite remember much from my childhood since to her credit when i got older my mum did’t beat me as punishment just the more sophisticated stuff like grounding and maybe the occasional yelling (understandable), granted she did admit to whooping my ass as a kid but i can forgive that i have no recollection of it anyways. my dad on the other hand, different story from the yelling to the beating for not getting 100% or not spelling a word the correctly, i suppose there is where i get the fear of failure from.

i guess that i fear that mayhaps deep down people don’t actually care as they claim they do. you know it is crazy that people who should show you care teach you how to be a person can do things that objectively can’t be all that good for a child by every metric.

i suppose part of that has made me harbor insecurities that now that i am an adult it has instill this sort of fear that things will go wrong when i try to do things that any person should be more than comfortable with.

this shit really gave me trust issues, and i guess that fed into me having commitment issues then communication issues and the whole bunch.

aside

damm, i really got issues to unpack huh, maybe i should book that therapist appointment

now i have to call myself out here, i wasn’t responsible for how my childhood turned out but certainly am in control of how the rest of my life turns out.

i guess that starts with this, i should start getting things together. i am turning 23 soon and well i would be lying if i said i remotely like the life i lead right now, and that is why i must change it.

journaling isn’t something i would have imagined myself doing and i did have a brief stint journaling when i got my macbook around 5 months ago, i stopped and (gonna have to cite well commitment issues) i reinstalled tumblr to kinda get the blog thing and self expression going (well i guess the hot ladies were part of it too, cuz wow i think i might be a lil weak, but thats a story for another post)

I guess this is where i check out and actually start doing the things in life that i need to do.

the merriam webster definition ↑
digivolve is basically evolution in the digimon universe akin to pokémon evolution, the thing is pokémon -evolusions are not as chaotic as digivolution ↑