Am I Becoming A Monster.....

27 Aug 2026·3 min read

I just saw a short video essay titled “Avoidants Aren’t Wrong”, and well that was a gut punch cuz holy spotlight.

If it is one thing I have always been painfully aware of in the recent years is the fact that I am for all intents and purposes, an avoidant person, I see a fight, flight or handle situation and I am so blinded by fight or flight that I ignore the actual solution that will help me process and proceed to pick flight. After all, if I fly fast enough I can avoid the problem right?

In my journey of self discovery I have reached the point where I can more or less identify what behaviors I am exhibiting, the root causes of those behaviors, be it childhood psychological scars that I have identified but never healed, recent discomforts that spiraled as a result of my not doing the work to heal myself.

I have become fluent in the conditions that created me

I pride myself in being independent, I have become so comfortable being by myself, in fact I welcome it more often than not. I rarely miss people, they could for all I care disappear from my mind the moment they are out of sight. It’s almost reminiscent of the lack of object permanence.

As a child I, for the most part I had to grow up quickly. For reasons outside both my and my parents control I didn’t have the most positively memorable childhood, and teenage-hood didn’t improve much. Now that I have more of a control over my own life, I am still stuck.

We do not choose our childhood, but we definitely choose who we become as adults to some extent, it is not my fault that I had the childhood I did, but the adulthood and the rest of my life that I lead will be for the most part a result of my actions.

However how can a damaged person even lead a healthy life without patching up the broken parts.

I push people away with my actions, in-actions and behaviors, and arguably the worse part is that I am actively aware that I am doing so and still follow through.

What’s Next

The natural conclusion to come to do the self work required to heal, if that was you first thought you get a cookie. However, the issue with that is I have have this deep rooted fear and anxiety that I need to work through before I can even begin to.

I worry about making a change, becoming better would be a damming confirmation that I had issues. It is somewhat paradoxical, I have these problems, but I don’t try to fix it because I struggle with many things. Trust being one of them, I don’t trust people but not of all i don’t trust myself. I phrased that wrong, I do not feel comfortable enough with myself or others enough to place trust into myself or others.

It turns into this feedback look that just confrims what i assumed while enforcing that which i thought would be bad.

It is 1.17am and i guess it is a bit of a rant, well in text but I am tired and feel delrious and so i will check out.